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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Nicole's LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 24th, 2009
4:17 am
8 years now...
What a trip stumbling onto this site after forgetting it existed for nearly 5 years... I irritate myself when I read some of this stuff I used to do. I'm too old now to care about half of it.
Monday, December 26th, 2005
10:39 pm
I'm off the pills
Today was day one getting off the vicodin. Somehow I have managed to have vicodin almost everyday for the last 4 months since Jack was born. A year ago I could just take 2 and be cool for hours... now I have to take 10 on an empty stomach first thing in the morning and then pop anywhere from 5 to 10 more through out the rest of the day. A couple times last week I threw up and Im not sure if it was related to the cold I have or if it was the pills.
Today was not so rough physically... Don was home to help with the kids, so that probably made it easier, but the depression kicked in full force. I think the depression is the worst part of it all... but everyday that goes by will get better and Christmas is over so I can renew my gym membership and start Nutrisystem in a couple weeks. Losing weight always makes me feel better.
Plus the kids had a great Christmas... I spoiled them with toys and so did my family. I got a nice Dell laptop from my Dad and a bunch of stuff from Mom... I need to keep on the positive side to get through this depression. I absolutely do not want to take anti-depressants.
I'll check in soon

Current Mood: hopeful
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
6:04 pm
I am so sick right now! I decided to go out last night with Roxanne to dinner and drinks and we ended up having way too many drinks.... and it wasn't even fun. I think next time I will stick to just going out to dinner with my friends and skip the bar afterwards. Anyhow, I guess I have been slowly coming down with the cold Don had last week, but in the middle of the night I woke up to get Jack a bottle and I was full blown sick. My nose is running, my throat hurts, Im coughing and my head is killing me. The worst part though is that the baby is going to get it and he is too young to take any medication. He basically has to suffer. So this throws off me being able to work out so I guess I have to start all over once I get better.
At least Nick is spending the night with my parents tonight so I can sleep when the baby sleeps.
I also found out that Lisa is 5 months pregnant, so she says..

Current Mood: sick
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
6:55 pm
I'm back
It's been a long time once again since I have posted here. It seems like I am always complaining about my battle to lose weight. Well once again I have started a weight lose regemin and this time I WILL DO IT!
I had my second baby Jack Ryan on August 24, 2005 at 4:46am. He was 8 pounds 0.8 ounces and 20.5 inches long. WAY smaller than Nick was. My delivery was much easier, I just pushed longer with this guy though. He is now a month old and he's a good baby. The hard part is dealing with both his demands and Nick being the true definition of "terrible two's".
I am actually suffering pretty severly from post pardum depression and I plan on getting on Wellbutrin this Monday when I see my shrink. It seems all I think about is things I did back in 1999 and 2000. I think about BJ too, every day... and I hate it. It's been years since I've seen him and he hasn't crossed my mind all that time, and NOW while I am married with two kids and not looking very attractive I think about seeing him again. It's crazy, but I feel like I am mourning the loss of my life before children. I don't work anymore (unless it's the occasional babysitting job once a week night), I am out of school, we have no money and my life consists of staying at home with the kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything, but what a difference my lifestyle is now than it was a few years back.
Besides all that I have also formed an addiction to Vicodin. I started taking it when I could get it before I got pregnant and continued to use it in small doses during my pregnancy because the doctor's were prescribing it for head aches (it's safe for use during pregnancy. Then I found out about this quack doctor who will prescibe it to anyone, so Don has been going once a month to see him to get me pills. Soon I will be going too so I can get two bottles a month. Sad, but its the only thing that makes me feel better and I am way more productive around the house.
Other than all that negative shit, I have come up with a plan to feel better. I need to look better in order to feel better about myself. I have started working out and plan on losing 40 pounds, I am going to start getting my nails done, tanning at the salon, and I am going to color my hair dirty blonde. Also, once I have lost the weight I am going to buy myself a new outfit every week with my babysitting money. I am also going to try and go out once a week or once every two weeks with my friends to dinner and to the bar like we used to. I really need to start socializing again... I just feed off socializing... and even though I am married now, I can still look.
I will check back in later to report my progress.

Current Mood: confused
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
7:17 pm
5 months later
God, it makes me sick to look back here and see how MANY times I have gotten all excited about trying a new workout regimine and then I fail. Things have gotten pretty bad lately... I am still 140 pounds, I made several attempts to lose it but I always fail miserably, mostly because I have been seriously depressed the last few months and eating makes me happy, but being overweight makes me miserable, so its a double edged sword.
I went to the psychologist to try and get put on some meds because I have such low days where I am miserable and I want to make rash decisions, she made me an appt to see a psychiatrist that is next week. I am going to beg them for medication... I really want to give it a try, I am so tired of being depressed.
Than to make matters worse I have actually begun to envy Lisa. The thought itself makes me sick because she is a drug addict with no education, who lives from guy to guy using them for money, drugs, whatever she can get, she is never there for Elijah and she has no friends... but she is thin and I am not, and she is my fiance's ex wife and he did cheat on me with her a long time ago, and these two things make me feel like I am in constant competition with her. She actually motivates me to lose weight. I want to keep a picture of her with me and on the fridge so when I want to eat something I shouldn't I will think of her and it will make me get back on track. I know I am a better human being than her in all aspects and I know Don can't stand her and loves me to death, but I still feel the need to be better than her in every way and the only place I am lacking is in the weight department. I never felt this way before... I mean I have always been intrigued by her, I have always wanted to know everything about her, just merely because I was rejected for her, and I always wanted to know what it was about her that made Don make the choice he made. But out of everything I really want her to know that I am better than her. That I am prettier and thin too (soon), that I am smart and educated unlike her, that I have a lot of friends unlike her, that I am fun and can be intimidating, and that Don loves me more than he ever has anyone else. I just want these things to be more apparant, and the fact that I feel the need to do this is sad. In the past I wouldnt have given a shit... but now, this depression has made me so insecure and self conscious.... I hate it. Hopefully next time I update I will have more positive things to say.

Current Mood: depressed
Friday, January 30th, 2004
8:35 pm
Usually I am stoked for Friday to come around, but Nick and I are both sick and he was up on and off all night, leaving me with NO sleep. I did force myself up in the morning and did my Ramp it Up video. I can't believe how much stronger I am in just 5 days. I also am thrilled that the soreness has gone away too. Anyway, I had to be at work early and I was rushing around so much that poor Nick didn't get more than half an hour of my time. Then after work I went straight to my babysitting job, and here I am sitting and waiting for them to come home so I can see my boy.
I also have an orientation class tomorrow morning at 9am... so my weekend isn't starting out great at all.
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
9:39 pm
I am so sore!!! I completed day three today of the Slim in 6 and I had to move on to the higher intensity 2nd DVD and it kicked my ass. I am so sore and Im walking around all day limping, praying that no one drops something that I 'll have to pick up. The kids at work were pretty good today thank god, but I got reamed by a parent who I approached to tell her about what her son had been doing lately ( innapropriate behavior) and she just told me off... I was standing there feeling like an idiot because she pointed out a lot of things that we have been slacking on doing. Anyhow, then I get home and get into a fight with Don. The IDIOT stole someones registration tag off their car at the gym to put on his own car until he can pay his registration. I told him how fast his ass will be arrested for that if he gets pulled over, and not to mention how FUCKED UP that was for him to do to the other person... anyway Im making him take the tag off the car.
Well I am off to bed
Sunday, January 25th, 2004
9:20 pm
Starting Slim in 6 tomorrow
I have decided that it is time for a change! I am tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I am tired of wearing sweatshirts and having to use a hair tie to keep my jeans on because I can't button them. I have purchased Slim in 6 program and I am going to start it tomorrow.
I figured I would just post here instead of on the beachbody.com website because this is more personal and I can always look back on it.
Anyway, I plan on chaging my eating habits tremendously, and working out the 6 days in a row as directed in the program.
Currently I weigh 145 pounds, I am 5'4 and 24 (25 in Feb)
Wish me luck

Current Mood: anxious
Saturday, January 10th, 2004
8:52 pm
It's been a long time...
I just noticed that I haven't posted anything in over 6 months. I think I will start posting on a regular basis, just for the theraputic aspect if for nothing else.
Let's see, my son Nick is now 7 month old, and cuter than anything in the world. He is also really bright... he's pretty much my exact twin, except of course for the penis and our 24 year age difference.
I still have not shed all the pregnancy pounds... in fact I pretty much have been stuck at around 140-145 pounds. I saw a Slim in 6 weeks informercial and I plan on buying it on Monday when I get paid. I want to be back to 120.
I was reading my previous entries from when Don and I first started dating and it makes me laugh remembering how in love I was. Now, he seems more in love with me and I do love him, but all that butterfly shit is gone... we live together, have a child and he is sober now, a lot of big differences.
Also, Lisa and I get along now. She came around after her latest attempt to stay off speed, and has been respectful and nice ever since... we even talk on the phone for lengths of time now and then.
Elijah is my main source of stress these days. He drives me insane. He lives with us full time now and he is so god damn disrespectful some times. He throws fits and he doesn't appreciate a thing. Sometimes I find myself pleased when he hurts himself or when he gets spanked or grounded. I feel guilty about it, but deep down inside I really wish we only had him on weekends. I am afriad of how his sometimes bad behavior will influence Nick. I dont put up with that shit and I have told Don that it needs to stop or I wont let Nick around his brother. Or everytime Elijah starts pulling this shit I will take Nick and leave....
Other than that, what else is new.... well I am a teacher now. I am Head Teacher for 3rd to 5th grade, and I really enjoy my job!
Well Im really tired... I'll try and post more later

Current Mood: sleepy
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
8:35 pm
It's a boy!
Ok, so I finally had my son! After 31 and a half hours of labor, two epidurals and the most agonizing pain imagineable, Nicholas Devin Harrington was born May 22 2003 at 12:37am. He weighed 9 pounds 9.6 ounces and was 22 inches long...a big ass kid!
We've been home three weeks now and he is a hell of a lot bigger. He looks just like me, no sign on Don in there and he has red hair... funny how those recesive genes weasel there way in.
He's a good baby, cries only when he wants something and everyone is in love with him.
Anyhow, both Don and I found jobs yesterday. He goes to work for the Union next Monday and I got a great new nanny job I start in two weeks.. things are finally looking up.

Current Mood: tired
Thursday, May 8th, 2003
8:25 pm
Still no baby...
I'm still waiting! I never considered that the baby would come late. I was anticipating he would come early or on his due date which was on the 7th. I went to the doctor today and I haven't progressed any since last week. I am still 1cm dialated and I haven't effaced at all. She did some massaging around in there to try and thin it out and then I need to go in on Sunday and have some gel applied to my cervix in order to soften it a little.
I'm telling you this kid is NEVER coming out. They don't consider me to be overdue until the week of the 19th.... then sometime that week they will induce me if he hasn't come yet.
I was so frustrated.... Im tired of being huge and I want to see my sons face and start working out again!!!

Current Mood: disappointed
Sunday, April 27th, 2003
11:31 pm
8 days and counting...
Well, I am almost through with my pregnancy. I am due in 8 days, on May 7th and I can't wait... actually I can... the longer he takes to come out, the more money I receive from work using sick hours and vacation time.
I actually thought I was starting to have contractions on Sunday during church. Mikie was being Confirmed and I was her sponsor and I have to participate in her ceremony and I was feeling sharp pains all during the mass. I think it was just the baby putting pressure on my cervix with his head.
Other than all this, not much is new. I am officially on maternity leave and I have been setting up some nanny positions for myself after Nick is 6 weeks old and my disability runs out. It sucks that I have to go back to work so early...especially watching other people's children while I can't be with mine.
Don is sober now, thank god. He lost his job and it forced him to see how his drug abuse is ruining his life. He has been sober for 2 months now and is working as a security guard...he hates it, and is trying to get into the Sheetmetal Union... we'll see.
Well Im going to get to bed... I'll update soon

Current Mood: anxious
Friday, January 31st, 2003
12:01 pm
I need to vent!
This is fucking ridiculous! I'm so furious right now, If I wasn't pregnant I think I would start banging my head against the desk here. I have to move out of my apartment by TODAY, and there is only two peices of furniture to get out left, but I still have massive cleaning to do over there, and these fuckers at work wouldnt let me have the day off. She tells me yesterday I can let you go at 1pm. but you need to come in for the morning because it's Friday and it's a pay day, we're going to be very busy. So that pissed me off, but I come in anyway after 5 hours of sleep and then when I confirm with her that Im leaving at 1pm she says " Well, we'll have to see if Dennis can leave his station and work the teller windiw, we need to get permission from the regional office." So I ask well what if they say no? I told them, I HAVE to leave at 1, and regardless of what the regional says, I'm going to do it. This shit pisses me off... Anne took three days off to move and it took them so long to clean the place up, what the fuck do they expect me to do? I am 7 months pregnant, I have NO help cleaning anything, I have night school until 10pm last night, and they want me to stay till 6pm when I have to be out of the apartment today??? They can inconvience me all the time but god fucking forbid I need some time off to do something important. I can't wait to leave this shit hole for my maternity leave... I'm never coming back here after 4/26. I don't care what good medical insurance I get, I'll pay for the shit myself. I have never been so mistreated by an employer in my life. We're underpaid and under staffed and expected to fucking bend over backwards for ten dollars an hour. I can make twice that if I wasn't pregnant, no one will hire me right now so Im stuck here.... FUCK!!!

Current Mood: angry
Monday, January 27th, 2003
10:25 am
I hate moving
I just spent the whole weekend moving out of the apartment and into Don's house. My feet hurt so bad and last night before bed, I noticed that my ankles started to swell. I know this happens to a lot of pregnant women, but I don't think it was water retention as much as it was from being on them non stop for two days. Today I am trying to stay off them as much as possible.

Current Mood: exhausted
Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
10:07 am
God, I'm stuck here hating every minute of this place. I wish that I would have at least changed jobs before I got pregnant. The only thing I can be thankful for is my medical insurance, it covers everything, we dont pay a dime... so at least there is one advantage to being in this shithole.
Nicholas is very active today, he won't stop kicking and punching me. I'm not sure if it's because I had some tea and it has caffiene in it, or if he's just super active today, but it's very uncomfortable! He's getting so strong, his movements used to be like a little flutter, now they can jolt me out of a dead sleep, and he's only going to get bigger...
I'm so stressed with the moving. I have so much to do in a weeks time and it sucks not being able to lift anything even slightly heavy, and also having both Mikie and my Mom injured so they can't help me.
I just want January to be over with.

Current Mood: stressed
Saturday, January 18th, 2003
12:38 pm
God, It's been a long time since I've updated... since I first found out I was pregnant...what a scary time. I am now 24 weeks pregnant, which is 6 months and I am starting to get big. I was so small all this time, no one could even tell that I was pregnant, then all the sudden in the last two weeks I ballooned out. I think I have gained 17 pounds all together, which sucks because the baby only weighs a pound and a half.
I did find out that I am having a boy. The first ultrasound I had he had his legs crossed and they couldn't tell me what I having, of course I was devastated crying my hormonal ass off... but Mikie told me of this place in Lod Gatos that does ultrasounds and gives you a video tape of the whole thing so I went there. It was awesome, 30 minutes, all taped and with the doctors voice on it so you could here everything he told me and we saw for sure my son's genitals. After some serious thought I have decided on
Nicholas Devin for his name. This little guy is quite active, he moves non-stop and kicks me constantly... it's such a weird feeling to know there is something inside me that is growing and moving around...
Anyway, I will update later

Current Mood: happy
Thursday, September 12th, 2002
4:40 pm
Good News!
I just found out, well I found out on Sunday that I am pregnant!!! I'm very excited, after a few days of shock and stress over what my parents would say. But they are both ok with it, in fact, my Mom is really happy.
It looks like the baby is due on May 7th 2003, but I won't know for sure until my doctor's appt in October. I will be moving in to Don's house in February and hopefully things will go smoothly from there.
We have names picked out so far... they are subject to possible change, but so far it looks like Devon Nicole for a girl, and Elias Donovan for a boy.

Current Mood: working
4:36 pm
Good News!
I just found out, well I found out on Sunday that I am pregnant!!! I'm very excited, after a few days of shock and stress over what my parents would say. But they are both ok with it, in fact, my Mom is really happy.
It looks like the baby is due on May 7th 2003, but I won't know for sure until my doctor's appt in October. I will be moving in to Don's house in February and hopefully things will go smoothly from there.
We have names picked out so far... they are subject to possible change, but so far it looks like Devon Nicole for a girl, and Elias Donovan for a boy.

Current Mood: working
Friday, August 23rd, 2002
4:06 pm
God I don't know what to do. Im trying very hard not to freak out and start stressing. I just found out that the people I nanny for are moving to Nevada in a month or so, so I have to find another job and fast. Id like to find something full time so I can leave the bank altogether because there is no way I can pay rent and all my bills working at the bank. I just hate starting over...
And things at home with my relationship arent going that well either...but I dont even care. Im not going to let myself care... I need to focus on working out and going to school. Im going to be selfish again because mentally and emotionally, when I put myself first, Im much more well off. I don't even want to write about what's been going on because then I guess I'll be forced to see how stupid I am for staying in this complicated relationship.
I haven't been to the gym since Monday and I know tonight is going to be difficult. My new gym schedule will be Friday through Tuesday and take Wednesday and Thursday off because there is no time in my day to fit it in with night school and work. 5 days a week is good enough... well it's going to have to be.
Im going to try and update here more often now...maybe it will make me feel better

Current Mood: stressed
Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
11:00 pm
Well the whole Don relationship has ended. I found pictures (which I had taken) of Elijah and on the back were things he had written to Lisa (his wife who is in jail) and it said " I love you baby" and "Here is Elijah in OUR house"... and shit like that . I confronted him and he lied at first, then he confessed that he is torn between the two of us and all this shit and I just told him to leave. I packed up all his shit and I left him a note saying I never want to see him again... I'm so hurt. I gave up everything for him and did so much for him just to have him lie to me all along and break my heart...
Oh well, back to the single life.

Current Mood: angry
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